Better off Dead
by Lizzy Rebel
Summary: [drabble series, HE, SC] six reasons why Haru Glory was better off eloping [complete]
1. Sister

**Disclaimer:** I do not own _Rave Master_ (_Groove Adventure Rave_) in anyway

**Teaser:** six reasons Haru Glory was better off eloping

**Warnings:** Thanks to the Supreme Suck Lords of Cartoon Network, Rave Master is on at six every morning on Sunday. I didn't think such a time existed on Sunday so I don't watch it anymore. I have a vague idea how the anime ends so bear with the lack of… accuracy, alright?

**Timeline:** I take a few liberties with the ages here, and think along the lines that the adventure took a while and people got married younger.

* * *

**Better Off Dead**

**I. Sister**

When Elie agreed to marry Haru Glory, he decided their wedding should be at Garage Island, with the one family member he had remaining. His sister.

On the way home, he had imagined his wife-to-be and his beloved sister meeting for the first time. Tender, loving music would play in the background as Elie and Cattleya stared at each other across a field of flowers. Then they would step forward, summing each other up. Then they would smile and clasp hands, finding sisters in their souls, and life would be just grand because the two women Haru cared about the most loved each other and—

Yeah right.

Cattleya pushed Elie out of her way so she could hug Haru and Elie reached for guns. Haru deflected the situation by introducing Elie to his sister and then his sister to Elie.

Of course, the situation only worsened as Elie marched up to Haru and put a possessive arm on his shoulder, her body dangling dangerously close to his. Cattleya's eyes went cool as she raised her eyebrow—_oh, really?_ she had asked, _how… nice…_

It only got worse from there. Cattleya and Elie couldn't agree on a single thing. They argued and argued and argued… they argued forever. Haru wondered if maybe instead of going home, he had died on the way there and had somehow ended up in the ninth ring of Hell or something.

"Are you positive, Haru?" Cattleya had asked him once, gripping his hand. "That you want to marry her? It's not too late to call the whole thing off, you know."

"Don't try to twist him around, you witch!" Elie had snarled as she came into the kitchen. "Haru and I love each other and there's nothing you can do to stop it!"

"Really? I was just making sure my _brother_ wasn't being overpowered by your large, annoying breasts!" Cattleya thundered back and Haru actually blanched at the sound of his sister insulting his girlfriend's… attributes.

"You're just jealous 'cause you're shaped like a boy!" Elie shouted back, her face going beat red. Luckily, Haru had taken and hidden Elie's guns the day before.

Both of them missed Haru slipping out of the room.

_It could be worse,_ he told himself and then stopped. Honestly? No it couldn't. What happened to the vision of the two finding sisters in one another and blissfully coming together to help Haru get married?

Haru was put in the middle of their arguments, as was expected. Elie was tugging on one arm and Cattleya on the other. _Sweet God help me… Lord…_

"Haru, you don't want silly roses, do you? Poppies are much better aren't they?" Elie asked, smiling a dazzling up at his face, her big doe-eyes alight with love.

"Don't let her breasts overpower you, Haru!" Cattleya said, grabbing his other arm. Her eyes were full of concern and compassion for her younger brother.

"Knock it off with my breasts!"

"Shut up! I was talking to, Haru! Well, Haru?"

"Yeah. What do you think, Haru?"

He looked between them. A rock and a hard place. One way or another, he was dead. But did he want his sister to do the honors or his lover?

"I think…" he said slowly, aware of two pairs of eager eyes on him. "I think we should have… lilacs."

Elie and Cattleya stared at him.

And stared.

And stared.

Haru felt sweat bubble on his brow. They were quiet. Too quiet. Were they both going to attack and maim him? Hopefully, they wouldn't kill him because then where would all their plans be? Couldn't have a wedding without a groom, right?

Unless Elie found a replacement…

Okay, bad thoughts ended there.

Then Elie turned to Cattleya, completely ignoring Haru's existence again. "Poppies it is."

"Poppies? I think not. They're a weak flower. Roses are a symbol of eternal love. _Roses_ it is." Cattleya put her hands on her hips in a _that's final_ kind of way.

"Roses are plain and boring. Everyone does roses. I want something original. Poppies are great," Elie snapped, her hands moving to where her gun holsters would have been. Then she shot a glare at Haru.

"You are not having poppies for the wedding," Cattleya snarled, looking ready to attack. Haru had never seen his sister in an all-out catfight, but something told him it would not be pretty.

Of course, Elie could hold her own. "I'm sorry, was a mistaken? I was under the impression it was _my_ wedding!"

They continued fighting like that for hours and hours and hours. Haru stood right in the middle, hoping the floor would open and swallow him up. Or that he would wake up from this terrible, terrible dream and everything would be alright. Unfortunately, he pinched himself, drew blood, and was swarmed in pain. Not a dream, then.

_I should have been a priest,_ Haru thought mournfully, looking between Cattleya and Elie as their faces grew redder and redder and their voices rose higher and higher.

Then he passed out.

* * *

**a/n:** yeah. I know weird and short. But lucky, there's five more of these on the way and hopefully they'll be funny! We can all pray, can't we? Review!


	2. Dress

**Disclaimer:** I do not own _Rave Master_ (_Groove Adventure Rave_) in anyway

**Teaser:** six reasons Haru Glory was better off eloping

**reason one:** the Sister Who is Likely an Wicked Overlord

**reason two:** the Frilly White Dress of Awesome Evilness

**Warnings:** none, except that fact that I'm writing blind here… no wait, that's not right. That's not even possible… or it is possible, but it would look something like this: iaohioahjyiahjnio aie vnaoi jgoifae mgtf. So never mind.

**Timeline:** I take a few liberties with the ages here, and think along the lines that the adventure took a while and people got married younger

* * *

**II. Dress**

Things were bound only to get worse from there. Elie and Cattleya couldn't spend more than five minutes in the same room before they were ripping each other's throat out.

But, despite all that, the wedding continued at its pace. It seemed neither God nor the Devil could stop the wedding. It just kept on going and going and going, breaking backs and bones as it went.

In fact, Haru was sure that it was fueled by stubbornness. Neither Elie nor Cattleya tried to cease the wedding. In fact, they were _driven_ to keep it on track just to show the other up.

And then Cattleya brought out the big guns.

A big gun in white, frilly lace.

Elie didn't stand a chance. Poor girl.

Haru had been upstairs, minding his own business. By minding his own business, he meant he had been trying to avoid Elie and Cattleya as much as he could. He wasn't looking forward to Make Haru Choose Sides Part II.

He had been playing with his sword, swinging it around, thinking about the good old days. The good old days where all there had been to worry about was collecting Rave Stones and beating the Shadow Guard and for your lives and healing from deadly wounds and staying alive… yes, those were the days.

Then Elie had rushed passed him, sobbing like a little girl. Haru stared after her and then reacted. _Whoa… what the f—?_

"Elie?" he called just as she slammed the bathroom door shut. Her sobs could be heard on the other side. Haru knocked lightly on the door, not wanting to get a verbal smack down for his attempts. "Elie, what's wrong?"

"I'm not coming out!" Elie sobbed wildly, choking on her sobs. "I'm not coming out until that… that… _woman_ puts that horrid, evil thing away!"

"…huh…?"

Of course, Haru knew who the 'woman' was. But just what horrid, evil thing was she talking about?

Cattleya walked up the stairs and came around to where Haru was addressing the door of the bathroom. He noticed the frilly what bundles in her arms. Like he had been buried, Haru jumped away.

"What," he hissed as he glared at the white dress in his sister's arms, "have you done?" He crossed himself and kept a distance between him and Cattleya. "That was to never be taken out again! Do you realize the evil you have brought upon us?"

"Knock it off," Cattleya snapped and shook out the dress. It flowed to the floor in a hideous bundle of lace and frills. The puffy sleeves had been tarnished with age and the collar was made of a horrifyingly pink bow. "This was our mother's wedding dress. Elie should where it."

"I don't care if the ruler of the world wore it!" Elie sobbed from the bathroom; apparently she had been listening to the entire conversation. "I'm not!"

"I thought we agreed never to speak of this? It's a thing of pure evil. You know? Causes hurricanes and earthquakes and fireballs to rain down from the sky?" Haru asked, motioning to the wedding gown. "We all agreed it's Satan's dress."

"I want Elie to wear it," Cattleya said and narrowed her eyes at Haru.

"No!" Elie screamed.

"Why don't you wear it?" Haru asked, crossing his arms over his chest. Normally, he didn't take sides in the power trips between his fiancé and sister but the dress was a low blow.

His sister eyed the dress, big and puffy and white with lace and frill. Then she looked back at her brother. "No," she said.

"Then why does Elie have to wear it?" Haru pointed out.

"Yes!" Elie agreed venomously from behind the door. "Why does Elie have to wear it?"

"Because…" Cattleya trailed off and then her face lit up. "Because you _have_ to! It's a great way to initiative you into the Glory family." Haru rolled his eyes but it went unnoticed by Cattleya.

"We initiate people by… torturing them and making them give their souls up to the Devil—wait, we initiate people?" Haru asked in obvious confusion. Well, it was news to him.

The door to the bathroom ripped up and Elie stuck her messy brown head out of it. She glared at Cattleya and then ripped the dress from her fingers. "Fine! But I'm making some _adjustments_ to it." Then she slammed the door again.

"Adjustments!" Cattleya thundered and threw herself out the door. "What do you mean adjustments? Haru do something!"

Haru considered throwing himself off the roof of the house, but decided against it. If he survived, he would have to walk down the aisle in crutches. And he would still be caught between the power plays of Cattleya and Elie. He would just be in a lot more physical pain.

God hated Haru Glory…

As his sister began to scream at the door, rapping her fists against it, and Elie began to answer in an equally enraged voice, Haru chose that moment to flee. Flee as if his entire life depended on it, not just his sanity.

Women… sometimes it seemed that they were put on the earth just to annoy the hell out of Haru Glory.

If it weren't for the sex…

Haru sighed mournfully. Thanks to Cattleya Haru wasn't getting any of that. Elie wouldn't hear of it, not while _that damned woman_ could jump up and surprise them at any given moment. Elie wouldn't even kiss him most days, too busy waiting for his sister to come around so she could scream at her.

He was lonely, sex-depraved, and half-insane.

If that wasn't hell, what was?

* * *

**a/n:** alright, let's all take a moment to feel sorry for Haru… okay, we're. Anyway. Thanks for the reviews and keep at it. Three more drabbles to go!

**Reason Three:** The Mood Swings That Bring Doom-y Doom

**Reviews:**

**uhhh:** I'm glad you like! I'm glad you think it's funny.

**Wish Wielder:** you know, I never did either. But when I sat down to write this I thought: hey, you know what would be funny? If Cattleya and Elie _hate_ each other!

**Rave Masta:** coming from you, it means a lot. I'm just so happy you know that you enjoy my stories. And I'm not too far off from the actual events of the magna? Good. Very… good. :evil laughter:

**ipcryss:** you have no idea how happy it is when people laugh. Not at me, with me. Yes, laugh with me! MWHAHAHAHAHAHAHA… all I know how to do is my evil laugh.

**whoknows:** and it only gets funnier…! I hope…

**GlorysGirl4Ever:** I will try. Luckily, these don't take much effort to update.

**Yachtzee:** I know the length is wanting… but hey, it says drabbles right? That means they'll be sort. If you think this is sort, I read an Avatar fic once that was just a series of one sentences with different situations. It was good… but odd.

**Story Weaver1:** I always make fun of Haru. But it's only 'cause I love him. I either maim, torture, or mock those characters which I love the most.


	3. Mood

**Disclaimer: **insert standard disclaimer here

**Teaser:** six reasons Haru Glory was better off eloping

**reason one:** the Sister Who is Likely a Wicked Overlord

**reason two:** the Frilly White Dress of Awesome Evilness

**reason three:** the Mood Swings that Bring Doom-y Doom

**Warnings:** lack of complete series-understanding. Also, some sexual undertones but considering the fact that it's _me_ writing… are we really surprised?

**Timeline:** see first chapter

* * *

**III. Mood**

"You're sister hates me."

"Uhhh…?" Haru blinked and raised his head from his pillow. He had fallen asleep trying to suffocate himself because Cattleya and Elie had forced him to swallow food after food to decide which was best, and obviously they both had made their own dishes.

Neither Elie nor Cattleya could cook and Haru wasn't sure his tastebuds would recover.

To make matters worse, Elie seemed to be going through several different levels of mood swings. First she was angry, crazed Elie, then sorrowful, pitiful Elie, then scorned, neglected Elie.

And now it appeared weepy, needy Elie had decided to make the scene.

"What?" he managed as he looked at her. Elie stood at the threshold of his door, wearing her nightdress that glowed in the moonlight streaming in from his bedroom window.

It was two in the damn morning. Haru's mind was barely functioning. He could barely form a coherent sentence. What did Elie hope to talk to him about?

"You're sister hates me," Elie sniffled.

Oh. That. Was Elie just getting surprised about it now? "Oh… yeah, she does."

That answer didn't sit well with Elie. She stormed over to him and hit him upside his platinum blonde head. "How can you be so calm about this, Haru? We're going to be family and she hates me!"

"Oh, sorry. I meant to say that's terrible. It's horrible. Cattleya should totally stop hating you." He sat up, glared at his clock, and then rubbed Elie's trembling shoulders. He could never really handle it when she was all weepy.

"The bitch," Elie agreed and Haru winced. Well, Cattleya was his sister. It was hard to agree with Elie because Cattleya had been like a mother to him. Elie glanced up at him and caught the look on his face. "You don't agree with me!" she bawled.

Haru caught her as she threw herself onto his shoulder, weeping. "Ah… there… there…?" he supplied, patting her back awkwardly. He had never had to deal with an Elie crying _this_ badly. And Haru was a man. He was oblivious to the fine art of comforting.

"You don't love me!" Elie accused wildly, sniffling. "I know you don't! And it's all _her_ fault. My breasts aren't that big."

He glanced down. Then cursed. Did she have to bring _those_ up? All it did was remind him that he wasn't getting any.

_Stupid male libido,_ Haru snarled at it inside his head as Elie wailed at his silence. _You're driving me crazy and making me some stupid, hormonal driven teenager._

_Last time I checked,_ his libido replied smartly, _you were a hormonal drive _man _with the maturity of a teenage. Oh… and Elie thinks you don't love her anymore._

That drew him back to the present task at hand. Elie had taken his silence as an agreement and was now sobbing weakly on his shoulder. Haru's grip tightened and he pressed a kiss to her hair.

"No, I love you, Elie." Haru drew her away from his shoulder and brushed away her tears. "If I didn't love you, would I have let you put me through hell the last two weeks for some damned wedding that—"

"You asshole!" she screamed and hit him, hard, on his chin.

_Ten points, champ,_ his libido told him. Apparently, Haru's sex-drive had more finesse than he himself did. And it wasn't a good sign that the only plausible conversations Haru was having was with his libido these days, was it?

"I didn't mean it like that!" Haru shouted in agony, wishing he had suffocated himself when he had the chance. "I meant… we just should have eloped!"

"Oh no!" Elie hissed and glared at him. "I am _not_ giving your sister the satisfaction of that!"

"Us running off and eloping would make her happy?" he wondered out loud.

Elie didn't answer. She turned into his arms and kissed him on the mouth. Haru's body went soaring and if he wasn't tone deaf he would have sung. "We're getting married Haru, right here. And I'm going to make this _my_ wedding now matter what your stupid sister thinks."

Somewhere along the line everyone seemed to have forgotten that Haru was getting married too…

"Is that it, Elie?" he asked her drawing her attention back to him. _Ah, hello? Future husband here?_ "Or do you want to… stay?"

There was no denying the underlying message. Haru expected Elie to do one of two things. Either jump into his arms and scream about how long she had been waiting for him to invite her in or storm out, saying she wouldn't dare with his sister around. Personally, he hoped it was the former but that could be just his libido talking.

_Hey,_ Haru's libido said, _stop bringing me into this._

Instead of doing any of what Haru's mind had imagined, Elie hand shot out and slapped him. He blinked at her in surprise, his cheek red.

"You sick pervert!" Elie accused him, standing and striding to the door. "I'm having a mental breakdown and all you can think about is whether or not you can get into my skirt?"

"That's not all I think about," Haru protested weakly. "Sometimes I think about… no, wait… well, I think that… er, no… well, I certainly think about… never mind. Oh wait! Sometimes I think about my sword!"

But by then Elie had already stormed out.

Groaning, Haru lowered himself back to his pillow and went about suffocating himself again. Then he rolled over and decided not to risk it. Who knows, the level of hell he could be sent to might be just like this…

_This is all your fault,_ his libido accused him.

Sometimes, Haru hated his life.

* * *

**a/n:** Haru's having arguments with his male libido… that can't be a good sign, can it? And what's worse, Haru's libido seems to be better at handling women then Haru himself…

**reason four:** the Party Planned by the Devil's Compatriots

**Reviews**

**Outsane:** why thank you XD

**Blonde-Existentialist:** you know, I did consider that for a moment. An Elie-Cattleya ending. But then I decided that since Haru was being so abused throughout this story he deserved the girl in the end!

**GlorysGirl4Ever:** or will she? hmmmm…?

**4ever2belove:** I notice that I usually end up torturing my favorite characters. When they're abused terribly it's a sign of my love!

**StarlitxIcexGoddess9074:** Every time someone tells me this is funny I feel… well, good. My ego is being boosted. I thank you.

**uhhh:** Thank you ever so much. I do try to keep this funny, while at the same time in character. Luckily, Rave Master has quite a number of humorous moments for me to go off of.

**Yachtzee:** thank you for your words. I appreciate your honest criticism, as well as your compliment. You mentioned my dialogue. Do you mind telling me what you mind lacking so I could approve on it? I'm always looking to improve my writing, especially the dialogue since that _is_ what stories are all about.

**Story Weaver1:** actually a lot of these things are taken from my older cousin's wedding and premarital experience. This was pretty much _his_ definition of hell, with my exaggerations.

**ipcryss:** I'm glad you like. I hope to continue to make you laugh!


	4. Party

**Disclaimer:** I do not own _Rave Master_… you meanie

**Teaser:** six reasons Haru Glory was better off eloping

**reason one:** the Sister Who is Likely a Wicked Overlord

**reason two:** the Frilly White Dress of Awesome Evilness

**reason three:** the Mood Swings that Bring Doom-y Doom

**reason four:** the Party Planned by the Devil's Compatriots

**warnings:** mention of an underage stripper… but more on _her_ in the next chapter

**Timeline:** see first chapter

* * *

**IV. Party**

"Oh, you sick bastards," Haru snarled at them all, sleep deprived, needy, and seriously considering becoming an alcoholic. "Show up now, why don't you? Cowards."

Musica and Let shared a look, both amused. Haru imagined ripping off their faces slowly and painfully. A twisted grin worked its way across his mouth.

"He's worse than I thought," Musica said with a shake of his head. "Pick him up, Let. Hurry, before we completely lose him."

Let's scaly hands grabbed Haru's bare upper arms and pulled him into the air. _Whee…_ Haru thought dizzily, _I'm flying._ Then he got a headache.

"Where the hell are you taking me, traitors?" Haru grumbled as he was dragged out of his house and into the cool night air on Garage Island. "Did I mention how much I hate you all? That's right, I fuc—"

"Poor man," Musica said to Let sadly. "He's been driven insane by being surrounded by two women hell-bent on killing each other over a marriage."

"They're not women, they're _demons_," Haru growled and tried to jerk himself free of their grip. Let and Musica held fast. "Can't you see I want to be alone?"

But he was already being thrust out of the house and down the path toward the town. Haru rolled his eyes skyward and then brought them back down when Musica and Let halted in their kidnapping of the Rave Master.

"Oh great… _you_," Haru snarled as he caught sight of the bright red hair and neutrally amused face. "Don't you have somewhere better to be?"

"No," Shuda answered truthfully. Haru glared at him. The redhead had been hanging out around the island for a while now, but ever since Haru had arrived with a wife-to-be in tow he had been wise enough to say away from the house.

Lucky bastard.

Then they continued walking. Haru gave up struggling. Maybe it would be over soon. "Where are we going?" he asked.

"To someplace you need," Musica answered and thumped Haru happily on the back. How dare that man be happy. Haru glared at him.

"An insane asylum?"

"No, a bar."

"You're not taking me to bar," Haru snarled venomously, reaching for his sword that he no longer strapped to his back. _Oh damnit…_

"Of course we're not," Shuda agreed with a voice that suggested he thought Haru had gone off the deep end. "We're just taking you to a loud, noisy place where people dance, drink, and make out."

"I hate you all," Haru hissed and slumped against them. "Seriously. You guys suck."

"You'll be thanking us soon enough," Musica protested and pushed Haru forward. "You need this bachelor party."

"I don't _need_ a bachelor party," Haru snapped. "I _need_ Elie and Cattleya to stop yelling at each other."

"My friend," Musica pointed out with a laugh and a shake of his head. "I am a man, not a miracle worker."

"The mating rituals of humans are…" Let put in, his voice deep and calm and emotionless. "Most frightening…"

"You're telling me," Haru said moments before he was plunged into a grimy, smelly bar already filled with loud music and a dancing girl.

Wait, _dancing girl_?

"Oh God… you guys got strippers," Haru moaned as the bouncy-haired blonde waved at them from her position against her pole. Oh God, she was waving _at_ them. She knew who they were.

"No. Actually, we got a _stripper_," Shuda pointed out. "Her name is Kelly-Anna and apparently she's never done this before. But she's very good."

"Human males like women with large breasts, apparently," Let added nonchalantly.

"Our guest of honor has arrived!" Kelly-Anna cried happily, swinging herself on her pole. Her long, tanned legs wrapped around it and she did a bump and grind.

_Oh, God…_ Haru thought as she jumped up and down in her tiny black skirt and white blouse… _kill me now. Just strike me dead with a lightning bolt._

"Hi! Hi!" the bubbly blonde shouted as she jumped from the stage and landed near Haru. She threw her arms around his neck. "I'm Kelly-Anna and you're a lot cuter than I thought you would be, Mr. Glory!"

Haru let himself be dragged away. Was this girl even _legal_? He felt like an old pervert. Robbing the cradle of something.

The blonde led him to the front seat in front of her stage and waved to the bartender to hand out drinks like they were going out of style. Haru didn't know half the people in the bar, but apparently Musica, Shuda, and Let were all under the impression they were his 'friends'.

"So," Kelly-Anna said as she straddled him, placing her tiny fingers across his chest. "Tell me about yourself." Her eyes were big and blue and innocent and she asked the question like she was a therapist.

"I need better friends," Haru moaned sorrowfully.

* * *

**a/n:** can you just see how much fun I'm going to have with this one? A possible illegal stripper all over Haru Glory, who's about to get married… XD

**reason five:** the Minor Stripper Who is a Demon of Chaos

Reviews 

**uhhh:** no, they certainly are not, are they? And look, they're not getting better anytime soon…

**GlorysGirl2ever:** no one decides to be put through what Haru is being put through… Elie and Cattleya are really demons when they need to be

**4ever2belove:** it's just so easy to pick on him… hm, I wonder why?

**Rave Masta:** I'm sure in the manga Haru and Elie have a very close relationship, but remember I'm basing this one the anime show I managed to catch every so often… Haru was more oblivious than… well, most guys.

**ipcryss: **thank you ever so much!

**Story Weaver1:** I don't have a male libido to argue with… but I've always wondered what's it like to argue with yourself… and lose

**Yachtzee:** ah yes, I do see your point. But I'm actually basing this fic on real life events, exasperated, of course. My brother was married recently and I've never seen a man come so close to tears in my life. It was rather amusing. And his wife… well, I liked her up until about two months away from the wedding. Than we couldn't stand each other. If we were in the same room for more than ten minutes we were at each other's throats. Weddings change people. XD But since Haru was with his friends, he took a much more aggressive approach in this chapter. Also, he's going to be more aggressive, too. And Elie and Cattleya are toning it down now, too. 'Cause the wedding's almost over. As far as your fic goes, I'll be checking it out!

**foxmagic:** well, I'm certainly glad I could bring you some form of condolence for the woefully inadequate selection we have of Rave Master fics. If you're looking for some truly good work, look up Rave Masta's (if you haven't already) or Yachtzee's CattleyaShuda fic. If you're into that kind of thing.

**birbie101:** I've been told by many male friends that they think about sex 90 percent of the time. The rest is filled with sports, video games, and school work (school has about 1 percent). Do I need better guy friends? Probably.

**Dark Naruto:** we should all feel bad for Haru, honestly

**pharaohess18:** that would be the other 10 percent of Haru's brain… XD


	5. Striper

**Disclaimer:** Nothing, do I own

**Teaser:** six reasons Haru Glory was better off eloping

**reason one:** the Sister Who is Likely A Wicked Overlord

**reason two:** the Frilly White Dress of Awesome Evilness

**reason three:** the Mood Swings that Bring Doom-y Doom

**reason four:** the Party Planned by the Devil's Compatriots

**reason five:** the Minor Stripper Who is a Demon of Chaos

**warnings:** Haru is sort-a a wimp in this one. Probably the alcohol and overstressed life he's leading. Don't be too mean. He can kick that punk-ass kid's ass any day

**timeline:** see first chapter

* * *

**V. Striper**

Apparently, Kelly-Anna couldn't hold her liquor very well.

Then again, neither could Haru. But that was beside the point. He _needed_ to be under the influence so his mind couldn't wander to the _Bad Places_. Bad Places which including dirty thoughts about an illegal teen, her breasts, and possible first-degree murder.

He friends were going to burn. _Burn_.

But still, he only had two glasses. Two! Of course, that was because he was already dead on his feet. The last thing he wanted to do was pass out in a strip bar. Who knew what went on after hours? He shuddered to think.

_One_ glass down for Kelly-Anna and she was sitting in Haru's lap like a little girl, bawling her big, baby blue eyes out. Those bastards Musica, Shuda, and Let had gone off. Haru imagined chopping them up into tiny pieces and sending them out to sea, then lighting them on fire…

If only I wouldn't get arrested for it. What asshole decided murder was illegal? I should kill him.

"His name is Bobby-Jean!" Kelly-Anna cried robustly, her chest heaving up and down. Which was a bad thing because those things were very… _bouncy_. "And he's a prick! But I love him!" She threw her arms around his neck and sobbed. "That's why I'm doing this! I want him to be jealous. I hate stripping, I feel so dirty."

Jesus, the girl was no more than a kid. Haru felt even more like a pervert because—God help him—he had looked down at her chest more than once. "Stripping is very, very, very bad. You should never do it again. Ever. In fact, leave right now."

Babbling, she nodded. "You're so nice! Bobby-Jean is _never_ nice!" she cried. "Don't you want to kiss me?" Alcohol still clung to her lips and rolled down her chin lightly in a small trail of bright liquid.

How highly… not erotic. All Haru could think, watching the alcohol run down her chin, was _ew_.

And, um, kiss her?

"No. No, not really," Haru said and tried to push away. The girl couldn't take a hint and threw herself upon him. Her lips were sticky and tasted too much like alcohol for anyone's good. Especially his, as Haru was the one getting kissed.

"Hey! Asshole!" Kelly-Anna jumped away from Haru and he remained seated, staring dumbly at the stage. _Hm. I wonder if I bash my head against the pole long enough I'll forget this ever happened? But wait, this is a strip club. Woman _strip _here. They get naked and then they—against the pole. Ew. No, I'm fine. I'll just die from shame. _Then he stood.

A big, tall man—man, alright he was more of a kid—was glaring passionately at Haru. Haru was too buzzed to actually care that he would be maimed and bleeding to death if looks could kill.

"Get out of here!" Kelly-Anna shouted, undaunted by the strapping young boy. And that probably wasn't even the alcohol in her blood. "I'm working!"

"Yeah, right!" Bobby-Jean—at least, Haru assumed it was Bobby-Jean…wasn't that the name of Whatserface's boyfriend?—grabbed her arm and pulled her closer. "You've been drinking, haven't you? You're seventeen!"

"Let me go! Let me go!" Kelly-Anna shouted and struggled against him. She sent a pleading look over at Haru, but there was a glint of joy in her eyes. "Help me!"

"Listen—" Haru moved up to suggest Bobby-Jean take Kelly-Anna home and buy her something nice and shiny.

Only, Bobby-Jean raised a fist and pounded it into his face. Haru went down for the count, feeling a little pathetic that the Rave Master was so easily taken down by some punk-ass kid.

Oh… if Father could see me now… damn kid didn't even land that fist… 

Look. There's a spider on the ceiling. This is place is probably infested with them. Bet they would eat the remains of my friends and no one would ever know what happened to them.

The perfect crime.

"Touch her again, you pervert," Bobby-Jean snarled at Haru. "I'll rip your fricking throat out."

But she was the one touching me. Guess no one cares about my chastity and modesty. If I had them that is.

"Oh, Bobby-Jean…" Kelly-Anna sighed in ecstasy. Then she threw herself at him. "You do care!" The two teens proceeded to kiss and make their way to the exit, forgetting all about Haru as he lay there pathetically on the floor.

Right. So I'm just going to pass out now. Okay? Okay.

With his brain in complete agreement, Haru got to it.

The next thing he knew, Haru was being dragged home by his so-called friends. In his foggy brain, he heard their voices.

"Can't believe how easy Haru went down," Musica said as he hefted his friend's arm over his shoulder. "I don't even think that kid landed a hit before he slid to the ground."

"It was… most embarrassing," Let agreed, holding up Haru's other arm.

"The best part is, we got it on tape," Shuda said from his position in the lead. "I'm going to watch it over… and over… and over… and over again."

"You're sick!" Musica laughed and then added, "Let me know when you plan to start watching it."

"You guys—" Haru paused to moan in pain. "Suck. All of you. I hate every last one of you. With every fiber of my being. _Hate_."

The cowards left him on the front porch, rang the doorbell, and ran away. Cattleya and Elie answered the door, gasped in horror, and dragged him inside, putting him in a chair in the kitchen.

When Haru submerged from an alcohol-induced unconsciousness. He found Cattleya consoling a sobbing Elie. He moaned and sat up.

"How could you, Haru?" Cattleya said as she rubbed Elie's trembling back. "You're getting married in two days!"

"Wait—you're on her side now?" Haru mumbled and sent Elie an apologetic look. Too bad for her, her head was in her hands.

Her eyes flickering over to Elie's shaking form. She sniffed. "No," Cattleya said simply. "But we women band together when asshole men do something extremely stupid. Which you did."

Elie looked up at him sorrowfully. "What's wrong with you, Haru? You have lipstick all over your face and you smell like beer."

He stood and walked over to her. Elie blinked as Haru picked her up and kissed her with the fever he had been building up for the past few weeks.

He willed his thoughts in her brain. _I need sex. No, wait! I love you! That's what I meant to say. But, if you're for the sex part, then—_

When they broke apart, Elie was panting and Cattleya was flushing.

"I'm going to marry you," Haru said with a nod, as if he had just came to that conclusion. He gripped her waist possessively. "And nothing's going to stop it. Those assholes I call friends had the brilliant idea to drag me down to a bachelor party."

"Did they?" Cattleya asked with narrowed eyes. She clicked her fingers together. Shuda was not going to be a happy man when he saw her next.

"Right now, I think I might be sick and I didn't drink enough beer for the headache I have." Haru leaned in and with the last bit of his strength gave Elie another kiss. "I adore you and I'm drunk so I can say it. I'm going to lay down because I don't want to pass out on you. That is not a very future-husbandly thing to do, right? Oh, and I love you." Then he stumbled away.

Elie sent Cattleya a triumphant look.

* * *

**notes:** see, I told you. Wimpy! Haru. But, hey, give the guy a break. Buzzed, overstressed, and tired. Plus, no sex. Can you blame him? Oh well. See you next chapter. Last one!

**reason six:** the Wedding Which is Taken to the Bad Place

Reviews

**uhhh:** originally, I was going to play up Elie's emotions more, but I decided Haru needed a break, after all the grief those two women have been giving him.

**an interested reader:** thank you. I know there are some grammar errors that I miss when I edit. However, this is such a small fic I don't bother asking anyone to beta. Why bother?

**Prozacfairy:** aw, Haru wouldn't do that. Not to an innocent girl. Plus… that wouldn't be fun now, would it?

**Rave Masta:** seriously, Let human? That sucks. The last time I watched the anime show Let was still a dragon and he was doing this almost ninja-stealth thing on some kinda ship and freaking everyone out. And the only reason I saw that was because my cousins had come to visit and had generously offered my room (yeah, right) to them to us so I was stuck on the couch.

**Xwipexmyxtearsx3x:** I was going to have Elie rip into Haru something fierce in the first draft. Than I decided that, no, because if Elie was going to get upset over a stripper like that than she would just call the _whole_ wedding off. Then where would I be?

**Story Weaver1:** actually, if they knew what really happened they might have just laughed themselves silly. Of course, they can only make assumptions. Ooooh… I am _so_ evil!

**birbie101:** hehe, lots of my characters need therapists, and sometimes not in the fun way. I love therapists, by the way, but just because I always counter their questions with 'but how does that make _you_ feel?'

**Yachtzee:** Kelly-Anna is what I imagine a farm girl would be named. Back during a time when I actually thought Harvest Moon was somewhat amusing (that didn't last very long) I called myself Kelly-Anna. I will definitely check out your story. But only if I get the time! Damn you school!

**Ranchdressing:** Haru needs everyone prayers. Yes, he does.

**Blonde-Existentialist:** don't they always, though? Bachelor partiers, I mean. Other than in real life, when have they very worked out?


	6. Wedding

**Disclaimer:** I really, really, don't own it. Honest!

**Teaser:** six reasons why Haru Glory was better off eloping

**reason one:** the Sister Who is Likely A Wicked Overlord

**reason two:** the Frilly White Dress of Awesome Evilness

**reason three:** the Mood Swings that Bring Doom-y Doom

**reason four:** the Party Planned by the Devil's Compatriots

**reason five:** the Minor Stripper Who is a Demon of Chaos

**reason six:** The Wedding That is Taken to the Bad Place

**warnings:** none. 'Cept Haru still doesn't win in the end! Oh, and it's more sappy than funny. Sorry. I had to reach my sap quota for this story. At least I'm not aiming for an angst quota. 'Cause I do that well.

Oh and: _Kingdom Hearts II_ OWNED my face off. OMG, Johnny Depp… in my game… with Sora. Dreams _do_ come true.

* * *

**VI. Wedding**

"I'm going to be sick," Haru Glory said.

Cattleya Glory didn't even bother to glance at her brother as she straightened his bowtie. "No you're not. If you got sick, you'd ruin this tuxedo. Then I'd have to slowly kill you. So you're not going to be sick."

"Uh-huh," Haru agreed even as his stomach twisted in nervousness and excitement.

"You're going to do fine," Cattleya said slowly as she stood and looked her brother directly in the eye. "You're not going to ruin the wedding I worked hard to make."

"Oh yes…" Haru muttered and looked away. "Mustn't ruin Cattleya's wedding."

"Got that right," Cattleya agreed and backed away to examine her work. She smiled and glanced up at Haru. Then she frowned. "Stop being sarcastic in your head, Haru, or I'll strangle you with that bowtie."

_Damnit…_ Haru thought and shut off his mind.

"Now get out there and get married," Cattleya said and pushed him toward the door. "I've gotta go find your—" she bared her teeth "—bride."

He stumbled out the door and into the chapel. People had already been seated and watched him eagerly as he made his way toward the alter. Musica, Let, and Shuda stood there, dressed in matching tuxedos.

_I don't remember asking Shuda to be a groomsman. He probably just _assumed_. The bastard._

Haru's smile was nasty as he caught Shuda's bruised eye. _That's what you get,_ he thought and his smile widened as he remembered the way Cattleya had grabbed the video tape of Haru's embarrassing bachelor party escapades and bashed it over Shuda's head, screaming: _that's for getting my brother drunk!_

Lucky for Shuda, Elie had been otherwise… _preoccupied_ with Haru to come down and extract her own vengeance upon him.

That little preoccupation would have him smiling for years to come. Who knew Elie could bend that way?

Because he was becoming a little _too_ hot, Haru stopped thinking about it and took his place beside the alter. He gave Musica and Let a look before grinning. All was forgiven thanks to the wonderful makeup sex between him and Elie.

Minutes stretched on… Haru was getting impatience and starting to feel all sickly again. He was going to throw up, right then and there. Just lose that tiny breakfast Cattleya had forced him to eat.

Then Elie came down the isle.

She had destroyed the Lacy Gown of Evil and transformed it into the Sexy Gown of Oh My God. It hugged her body like a second skin, all the frills gone except on the long train. The puffy sleeves had been sheered off and now clung to Elie's breasts. A long, sheer veil flowed down her back and she carried a bundle of…

Lilacs?

He grinned at her and Elie smiled right back.

She came up beside him and he leaned in. "We should have eloped," he told her and Elie's laughter filled the room before she sent him a serious look. Cattleya frowned the whole time, expect when she was scowling at Shuda, who pointedly ignored her gaze with what could be called a shamed face.

"Dearly beloved," the priest intoned, sending Haru and Elie a warning look. _This is a church,_ his face said calmly, _there is no laughing here._ "We are gathered here today to witness the union of Haru Glory and Elie… um… Elie."

_Blah, blah, blah,_ Haru's libido thought as he gazed upon the curves shown proudly in Elie's wedding dress. _When do we to go on our honeymoon?_

And then he was kissing Elie, gripping her by the waist and holding her tight against him. Elie laughed against his lips and pushed lightly. The people cheered around them, Musica slapped him on the back.

All that really mattered was that Elie smiled at him.

Then… rice pelted him.

Haru blinked and looked over at Shuda as he grabbed another fistful of rice and tossed it at Haru. It hit him in the eye. He snarled, putting Elie behind him as she burst out laughing.

"Hey," Musica said as he turned to look at Shuda. "That's for when they're running out of the church."

"Oops," Shuda said with a shrug. "Forgot." He gave Haru a glare. No, Shuda did not forget.

Cattleya stormed over to him just as Shuda reached for another handful. She yanked the rice from his finger and then tossed it at his face. "Jerk," she told him. They stood staring at each for a long time, the church growing silent with worry.

The seconds ticked by.

Both their eyes were darkened with rage.

Shuda's hand clenched and unclenched. Haru wondered if he was considering turning to the Dark Side again.

Cattleya jerked her chin out, haughtily. Her eyes were _daring_ him to do something.

"This is hot," Elie told him softly, and Haru wondered if the corset she was wearing had cut of the circulation of blood going to her head. Those two were going to _kill_ each other.

Then Shuda and Cattleya were kissing. Big, sloppy kisses.

_Oh God…_

Haru grabbed Elie's arm and shouted, "Run! Run! Run!" He didn't dare glance at his sister and the man she was making out with for fear he might go crazy and just kill Shuda. After all, Cattleya was his sister… evil banshee woman or no.

Elie laughed at him as they raced toward his house. He scooped her up in his arms and kicked open door. Elie gave a raspy breath as they stepped over the threshold. Haru kicked the door shut again.

"I'm locking it," he warned her. "We have enough food to last us for two weeks. We aren't coming out until then. Cattleya can stay with Shuda…" He trailed off and blanched.

Ew. That was a very bad thought.

"Okay," Elie laughed and began to undo the buttons of his tuxedo.

"We're married," he realized then. He was so brilliant sometimes. "Like really married. With the same names and everything."

"Oh, Haru, you detective you," Elie teased lightly, placing a kiss on the corner of his mouth. "Since we're married, why don't we have sex?"

"Weren't we already doing that?"

"Yeah, but this time it'll be married sex."

_What a perfect idea. A woman after my own heart._

Haru lowered them both to the floor, rolling so Elie was on top of his chest. His fingers found the back zipper of her dress and he tugged it downward—

And it jammed.

"Goddamnit!" he shouted to the heavens.

"What?" Elie asked, raising her head from her task to look at him. "What is it?"

"The zipper," he snarled and yanked it again. It held fast. "It's stuck."

Her big, doe eyes grew wide. "What are we going to do? I don't want this dress ruined!" She pushed herself off him and Haru dragged her back down. "You better now even try it, Glory! I meant it when I said I don't want this dress ruined."

"We should have eloped," Haru told Elie mournfully.

* * *

**notes:** told you, he still did not win. That very last scene was inspired by _Robin Hood: Men in Tights_. I nearly almost wrote Haru shooting 'call the tailor!' and then decided against it. And now, _Better off Dead_ is over. XD It was a blast to write and I just love all the reviews I got for it. You guys are awesome! See you sometime in the near distant future (I hope?).

Reviews 

**Prozacfairy:** not if Cattleya gets to them first, obviously!

**Outsane:** I think the reason why they dislike each other so strongly is because they're so much alike.

**Rave Masta:** That's because Haru Glory is a BAMF. And Cattleya and Elie would like be civil to each other for Haru's sake… sometimes… maybe… possibly…

**uhhh:** Cattleya and Elie will eventually start arguing again. That's just who they are.

**GlorysGirl4Ever:** you know what the real funny thing is? I _hate_ spiders. Ew… eight-legged freaks… hm, but I love _that_ movie.

**Ranchdressing:** oh now, it just a small cold spell. Hell's a hot and blazing again.

**Birdie101:** when something blows up it's usually funny. School, the house next door, the playground. It's not funny when the police station blows up… because isn't the bomb squad there? That's just ironic.

**Story Weaver1:** well, you know what they say. Keep your friends close, but your enemies joined at the hip. Or something to that effect.

… thank you!

**Wolf Creek:** XD I'm glad you're enjoying it.

Now, if you don't mind, I'm going back to _Kingdom Hearts II_ and kick Sephiroth's ass! But rather, he'll kick mine and I'll need a good cry.


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